Lizzy Bay Builders

Due to us now living quite some distance away from my office I have to take some of my work calls from home. This morning was one of those mornings. Lucia left for the gym, or as she now likes to call it 'home' at about 6 this morning, and I was left to take my calls from 7. At about 8 there was a knock at the door- a builder saying that they were doing some structural repair works to the outside wall of the house just outside our window, which may take upwards of a months. Anyway, he told me if I wanted to shower or use the toilet I had a hour to do so, after which I couldn't use any running water until this afternoon because they were disconnecting the waste pipes. For the next two hours I, and everyone else on the end of my unmuteable phone, had to endure a constant drilling at the wall just outside my window.

My calls finished at 10 and I had to shower, shave and get into work for my next meeting at 11. In a rush, I jumped into the shower doused myself with Lucia’s shampoo then heard someone banging on the window and shouting ‘SWITCH THE WATER OFF!’. I quickly turned the water off and ignored the remainder of the shouting through the window. Two minutes later someone knocked at my door, slightly more forcefully than the first time. I ignored the first two sets of knocking then when they wouldn’t go away I answered the door with my bluetooth headset on pretending to be on a call. My logic for this is that, firstly, it meant I couldn’t talk to them and, secondly, despite the slightly wet looking hair they might think that it wasn’t me using the shower.

When the wet and angry looking builder asked to come in I pointed to the headset and told him I was busy. When he asked if I’d been using the water, I said “no, mate. Sorry, wasn’t me. I’ve been on a call for two hours”. Get out of jail free card, I thought. Then he asked to see the bathroom. Gulp! I panicked and said no “my girlfriend is in there”. “Did she use the shower” he said, “I don’t know” I replied. “Could go and ask her for me?”. Gulp again, I was never any good at drama or lying, and here I was trying to combine the two. Queue short one way conversation in the bathroom with myself. I came out and told them that she’d used the shower, but was doing her makeup now and wouldn’t turn the tap on again. I then apologised profusely on Lucia’s behalf before getting them to go away and leave me to my imaginary call and let my imaginary girlfriend finish her makeup. There is definitely a moral of the story: don’t try to maintain too many lies simultaneously.

They should have just been grateful I was using the shower and not the toilet.